You Just Lost It

The Game. Holy hell do I hate the damn thing.

It's like, every place I go, there's at least one moron going around saying "hey u just lost teh game lol" or something similar. It's goddamn ridiculous. I'm willing to bet that not even half knows what The Game actually is.

The Game is not a game. It's a social experiment. And the best part? Anyone that repeats it shows part of their true nature.

Because the only thing that can happen in the game is that you lose, the person that passes it on is petty and competitive, because they won't suffer any type of loss, no matter how small and insignificant. Oh yes.

In Brightest Day, In Blackest Night

This is quite easily the best trailer I've seen in a long time.



The best/worst part? It's all fan-made. Goddamn, that's awesome.

Tumbleweeds and Twilight

Uh, hi. Yeah, I don't post much at all. I am going to try posting more this year, but that's what I said last year. So there's that.

Also, on FaceBook, I've seen this:
"97% of teens would cry if they saw Robert Pattison (Edward Cullen from Twilight) standing on top of a sky scraper, about to jump. If you're one of the 3% who would sit there eating pop corn screaming "DO A FLIP YOU SPARKLY FAGGOT!" then copy and paste this as your status"

Now, as much as I know I shouldn't be doing this, I have to point out all the flaws in this.

First: Are people that bastardly that they would try and convince and actor to commit suicide JUST because they play a character in a movie? I mean, I wouldn't cry, but c'mon. That's just cold. And anyway, he's made it pretty clear that he hates the book and thinks all the fans are complete balls-insane. He's on our side, for god sake!

Second: Those statistics are messed up as all hell. For seriously. 3% of people aged 13-19 would enjoy it? (Let's pretend that it's Stephanie Meyer on the building. At least she's the cause of it all.)

In the Australian 2006 census, there's 2,676,807 people aged 5-14, so they'd be 9-18 now, seemingly the target audience of Twilight. 3% of that is 80,304. Eighty-thousand, three-hundred and four. That's not enough to fill the MCG! Are you seriously telling me that there's only that many people in Australia that wouldn't give a damn?! No friggin' way.

And Knowing Is Half The Battle

GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra is... Well, it's definitely a movie. Sorta.

It's not bad, but it's a movie based entirely on selling action figures. Make of that what you will.

Expect ridiculousness. Always. The setting for the movie is 'In the not too distant future...'


Yeah. Also, Christopher Eccleston is awesome as Destro. Even though he's not until the last couple of minutes. The guy that plays (OMGSPOILERS!) Rex/The Doctor (snicker)/Cobra Commander is awesome too.

And The Baroness is HOT.

Half as tasty, but twice the awesome.

Sea cucumbers are the single greatest animal ever.

Name me one other creature that spews out it's intestines at it's attackers that isn't a teenage girl.

Also, it's body is one single gonad. Now, I know that makes me seem like I have the humour of a 12 year old (which I do, but that's not the point.) But wouldn't you like your body to be one single, branched gonad? I thought so.

I'm gonna go across the street and, uh, schling a schlong.

Wow... just wow. Cool As Ice, is as hilariously bad as the tag-line.

I mean, just let that sink in for a moment. "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." Just say it out loud. Doesn't it just destroy some of the logic centers in your brain? I mean, there's been some movies with horrible tag-lines (I'm looking at you, Date Movie.) But goddamn.

As for the movie... well, it's everything you can expect from a movie with Vanilla Ice playing the main character. Lotsa hilariously bad scenes, dialogue, acting... everything, actually. But really, there's a couple things I wanna talk about. And since it's my Blog Of Many Things, I'll do what I damn well please.

The first is about ten minutes into the movie, where Ice (Oops, er, I mean "Johnny". Sorry, it's just that they're completely different people and should be reffered to as such. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm just gonna say Ice.) Where was I? Oh, yeah. Ice sees this girl on a horse, on some horse riding rink. Anyway, Ice thinks that because he's on a motorcycle, he's cool and can pick up any chicks he wants. Which is entirely true, by the way. So anyway, he jumps the fence between them so he can chat to her. And he does just that; he jumps the fence. Not using any ramps or large gusts of wind or anything, but he leaps the fence, on his motorbike through sheer force of will. And that's only ten minutes into the movie, so you don't have to suffer very long to see this gem. But because blog readers are a skeptic bunch, here it is. The proof that Vanilla Ice is so cool, he defies the laws of physics.

Oh, and you don't see it in this clip, but the girl (Kat) punches Ice in the gut right after this. Yeah, I'm glad that she almost got paralysed, too.

And then there's the EPIC BATTLE between Ice and Kat's former boyfriend. Well, okay, it's not much of a battle, but when Ice gets a hit in, it does this 'beat' thing. You sorta have to see it to really get what I mean...

Also, there's Ice's infinite words of wisdom...


Word to your mother.

You guys... are so messed up.

Brilliant.

I thought you'd be bigger.

Road House has got to be one of the greatest movies of all time. It's freakin' brilliant.

Where else do you learn that "pain don't hurt?"

What other movie does it have a guy get blasted by four shotgun blasts, and still be able to stumble backwards into the obligatory glass table?

When else could you see Patrick friggin' Swayze rip out a man's throat with his bare hands?

Seriously. there's not a bit of this film that isn't just pure, unhomogenised insanity.

And for that, I'm damn thankful.

This is why Superman works alone.

Okay, so there's enough stuff complaining about Batman & Robin on the 'net already, but as much as I've complained about it, I haven't really given many good reasons to hate it.

Until now, that is.

So, just what's wrong with it? Well, they screwed up pretty much every character in the movie. Now, I'm not saying that we should adhere to the comics like Krazy-Glue, but we should at least read a comic book with the damn character in it before we go sending millions of dollars on a toilet ride to Shitville, shouldn't we?

Uh, the answer is 'Yes'. Very good.

Take Mr. Freeze, for example.

In the movie, he's described as a "Two-time Olympic decathlete and Nobel Prize winner for molecular biology'. Now, the Nobel Prize winner I can understand. I mean, he did supposedly build his suit from scratch, but "Two-time Olympic decathlete"? Where the hell did that come from? Last I checked, Victor Fries was a frail old man who could only fight using that cold gun of his, not a friggin' decathlete! I mean, sure, that was put in the script to *ahem* 'justify' putting Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role, but why put him in the role of Mr. Freeze in the first place?! That's like putting William Shatner in the role of Rambo! It just does not go!

Actually, speaking of Rambo (Ah, segues), if Arnold wasn't cast as Mr. Freeze, Sly Stallone would've been Freeze. Yeah... no. A guy with a funny accent or a guy that mumbles every line he says? Not my two best choices for a villain that's supposed to be a science genius... But, wait! What's this?

Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart and Ben Kingsley were both considered for the role of Mr. Freeze, though ultimately Arnold Schwarzenegger was cast because Joel Schumacher decided that Mr. Freeze must be "big and strong like he was chiseled out of a glacier".

What the holy hell?! There's just... so many things wrong with that. For starters, Patrick Stewart practically is Mr. Freeze, if you painted him blue and stuck him in an ice-suit, which, let's face it, all of us have wanted to do at some point in our lives. Same with Hopkins and Kingsley. They're all perfect incarnations of the character, but noooo Mr. Schumacher wanted a scientist to be big and strong, didn't he? Geez. (By the way, I'd like to point out that if Arnold and Sly had've opted out of playing Freeze, Hulk Hogan would've played him. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan as Mr. Freeze. Hulk friggin' Hogan. No matter how many times I repeat it, I just can't wrap my head around how simultaneously awful and awesome that would be.)

And before I forget, the puns. Oh God, the puns.

"Ice to see you!"
"You're not sending me to the cooler!"
"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
"In this universe, there's only one absolute ... everything freezes!"
"Cool party!"
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!"
"Let's kick some ice!"
"Caution. Bridge may ice over."
"Not so fast. Time you cooled your heels."
"Alright, everyone, chill!"

And that's only a fraction of them. Of course, my absolute favourite one is

"What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!"

I mean, there's just so many things wrong with that phrase, I think that the universe would implode if I tried to comprehend it. Yeesh.

So, we've ruined one villain, what about the other two?

Well, Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy was just... creepy. I mean, I know that she's trying to be sexy and all and it's not like she isn't. Well, that is to say, she's sexy when she's not talking. Pretty much every word she says is just grating. It's like Mae West injected as chlorophyll. And I mean Mae West in Sextette. Blech. Almost everything Uma says in this pretty much sounds like a double entandre, but half of them don't even make any sense!

"I've got some wild oats to sow!" WTF is that supposed to mean? That your genitalia has become seed pods?

And what the hell are those things on her head? Is she supposed to be Satan? Is it that it's just a cruel joke that someone wanted to play on Miss Thurman?

Plus Bane has been downgraded to Batman's greatest villain to growling man-servant to Poison Ivy. This is the guy that broke Bruce Waynes back. This is the guy that made Batman almost hang up his cowl forever, and now he's just growling "Step" "Monkey-Work..." and "Raah...". I'm sorry, but I really want to punch Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman in the face. I mean, have they even read a Batman comic in their lives?

Oh, but it's not just villains that are subject to The Goldsman and Mr. Schumacher. Oh, no, they had to change Batgirl from being Commissioner Gordon's daughter to Alfred's niece! How do you get that? And why is Alicia Silverstone playing Batgirl? Her biggest movie is Clueless. You hear me? Clueless!

The worst thing is that even if you fixed all these character problems, you'd still have a crappy movie. How about the soundtrack that sounds like a Looney Toons cartoon is playing in the background? How about Batman's credit card?

It's a bad movie, and, quite frankly, I'm glad it got killed in the box office. Why? Well, if it didn't, Joel woulda made another movie. A movie called Batman: Triumphant (Oh, irony) with Scarecrow, Man-Bat and Joker to come back in a dream sequence.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and kick Joel Schumacher in the teeth.

PS: I do think there's a good thing in the movie, though. Mr. Freeze's car/tank thing. That thing is badass!