This is why Superman works alone.

Okay, so there's enough stuff complaining about Batman & Robin on the 'net already, but as much as I've complained about it, I haven't really given many good reasons to hate it.

Until now, that is.

So, just what's wrong with it? Well, they screwed up pretty much every character in the movie. Now, I'm not saying that we should adhere to the comics like Krazy-Glue, but we should at least read a comic book with the damn character in it before we go sending millions of dollars on a toilet ride to Shitville, shouldn't we?

Uh, the answer is 'Yes'. Very good.

Take Mr. Freeze, for example.

In the movie, he's described as a "Two-time Olympic decathlete and Nobel Prize winner for molecular biology'. Now, the Nobel Prize winner I can understand. I mean, he did supposedly build his suit from scratch, but "Two-time Olympic decathlete"? Where the hell did that come from? Last I checked, Victor Fries was a frail old man who could only fight using that cold gun of his, not a friggin' decathlete! I mean, sure, that was put in the script to *ahem* 'justify' putting Arnold Schwarzenegger in the role, but why put him in the role of Mr. Freeze in the first place?! That's like putting William Shatner in the role of Rambo! It just does not go!

Actually, speaking of Rambo (Ah, segues), if Arnold wasn't cast as Mr. Freeze, Sly Stallone would've been Freeze. Yeah... no. A guy with a funny accent or a guy that mumbles every line he says? Not my two best choices for a villain that's supposed to be a science genius... But, wait! What's this?

Anthony Hopkins, Patrick Stewart and Ben Kingsley were both considered for the role of Mr. Freeze, though ultimately Arnold Schwarzenegger was cast because Joel Schumacher decided that Mr. Freeze must be "big and strong like he was chiseled out of a glacier".

What the holy hell?! There's just... so many things wrong with that. For starters, Patrick Stewart practically is Mr. Freeze, if you painted him blue and stuck him in an ice-suit, which, let's face it, all of us have wanted to do at some point in our lives. Same with Hopkins and Kingsley. They're all perfect incarnations of the character, but noooo Mr. Schumacher wanted a scientist to be big and strong, didn't he? Geez. (By the way, I'd like to point out that if Arnold and Sly had've opted out of playing Freeze, Hulk Hogan would've played him. Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan as Mr. Freeze. Hulk friggin' Hogan. No matter how many times I repeat it, I just can't wrap my head around how simultaneously awful and awesome that would be.)

And before I forget, the puns. Oh God, the puns.

"Ice to see you!"
"You're not sending me to the cooler!"
"I'm afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy."
"In this universe, there's only one absolute ... everything freezes!"
"Cool party!"
"If revenge is a dish best served cold, then put on your Sunday finest. It's time to feast!"
"Let's kick some ice!"
"Caution. Bridge may ice over."
"Not so fast. Time you cooled your heels."
"Alright, everyone, chill!"

And that's only a fraction of them. Of course, my absolute favourite one is

"What killed the dinosaurs? The Ice Age!"

I mean, there's just so many things wrong with that phrase, I think that the universe would implode if I tried to comprehend it. Yeesh.

So, we've ruined one villain, what about the other two?

Well, Uma Thurman as Poison Ivy was just... creepy. I mean, I know that she's trying to be sexy and all and it's not like she isn't. Well, that is to say, she's sexy when she's not talking. Pretty much every word she says is just grating. It's like Mae West injected as chlorophyll. And I mean Mae West in Sextette. Blech. Almost everything Uma says in this pretty much sounds like a double entandre, but half of them don't even make any sense!

"I've got some wild oats to sow!" WTF is that supposed to mean? That your genitalia has become seed pods?

And what the hell are those things on her head? Is she supposed to be Satan? Is it that it's just a cruel joke that someone wanted to play on Miss Thurman?

Plus Bane has been downgraded to Batman's greatest villain to growling man-servant to Poison Ivy. This is the guy that broke Bruce Waynes back. This is the guy that made Batman almost hang up his cowl forever, and now he's just growling "Step" "Monkey-Work..." and "Raah...". I'm sorry, but I really want to punch Joel Schumacher and Akiva Goldsman in the face. I mean, have they even read a Batman comic in their lives?

Oh, but it's not just villains that are subject to The Goldsman and Mr. Schumacher. Oh, no, they had to change Batgirl from being Commissioner Gordon's daughter to Alfred's niece! How do you get that? And why is Alicia Silverstone playing Batgirl? Her biggest movie is Clueless. You hear me? Clueless!

The worst thing is that even if you fixed all these character problems, you'd still have a crappy movie. How about the soundtrack that sounds like a Looney Toons cartoon is playing in the background? How about Batman's credit card?

It's a bad movie, and, quite frankly, I'm glad it got killed in the box office. Why? Well, if it didn't, Joel woulda made another movie. A movie called Batman: Triumphant (Oh, irony) with Scarecrow, Man-Bat and Joker to come back in a dream sequence.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go and kick Joel Schumacher in the teeth.

PS: I do think there's a good thing in the movie, though. Mr. Freeze's car/tank thing. That thing is badass!