Half as tasty, but twice the awesome.

Sea cucumbers are the single greatest animal ever.

Name me one other creature that spews out it's intestines at it's attackers that isn't a teenage girl.

Also, it's body is one single gonad. Now, I know that makes me seem like I have the humour of a 12 year old (which I do, but that's not the point.) But wouldn't you like your body to be one single, branched gonad? I thought so.

I'm gonna go across the street and, uh, schling a schlong.

Wow... just wow. Cool As Ice, is as hilariously bad as the tag-line.

I mean, just let that sink in for a moment. "When a girl has a heart of stone, there's only one way to melt it. Just add Ice." Just say it out loud. Doesn't it just destroy some of the logic centers in your brain? I mean, there's been some movies with horrible tag-lines (I'm looking at you, Date Movie.) But goddamn.

As for the movie... well, it's everything you can expect from a movie with Vanilla Ice playing the main character. Lotsa hilariously bad scenes, dialogue, acting... everything, actually. But really, there's a couple things I wanna talk about. And since it's my Blog Of Many Things, I'll do what I damn well please.

The first is about ten minutes into the movie, where Ice (Oops, er, I mean "Johnny". Sorry, it's just that they're completely different people and should be reffered to as such. Ah, who am I kidding, I'm just gonna say Ice.) Where was I? Oh, yeah. Ice sees this girl on a horse, on some horse riding rink. Anyway, Ice thinks that because he's on a motorcycle, he's cool and can pick up any chicks he wants. Which is entirely true, by the way. So anyway, he jumps the fence between them so he can chat to her. And he does just that; he jumps the fence. Not using any ramps or large gusts of wind or anything, but he leaps the fence, on his motorbike through sheer force of will. And that's only ten minutes into the movie, so you don't have to suffer very long to see this gem. But because blog readers are a skeptic bunch, here it is. The proof that Vanilla Ice is so cool, he defies the laws of physics.

Oh, and you don't see it in this clip, but the girl (Kat) punches Ice in the gut right after this. Yeah, I'm glad that she almost got paralysed, too.

And then there's the EPIC BATTLE between Ice and Kat's former boyfriend. Well, okay, it's not much of a battle, but when Ice gets a hit in, it does this 'beat' thing. You sorta have to see it to really get what I mean...

Also, there's Ice's infinite words of wisdom...


Word to your mother.